Dear Dr T.,

 I am unfortunately unable to keep my marriage together, and we are in the process of getting a divorce. As heart-rending as this decision has been for us both, that is not the focal point of this letter.  We have reviewed the situation over and over again with parents, Rabbonim, askanim and the like. For whatever reason, the decision is absolutely final and we are not open to reviewing it anymore.

We have six children- ages 18 to ten. They are all dealing with it differently, some better than others. The ones that seem most impacted are my 18-year-old daughter who fears the effect on her shidduchim and our 12-year-old son who is mortified about his upcoming bar mitzvah. I really am at a loss about what to say- I cannot predict how things will go down or how uncomfortable they will feel. I am not in full control here and I don’t want to make any promises that I can’t deliver.

Having said that, I do want to do the very best I can for my children.  How do we achieve a civilized divorce? How do we continue to co-parent in the best interests of our children? How do we make sure that our own issues do not spill over into the lives of our innocent children? I do believe that my ex is a man of good faith as far as the children are concerned, but we are also human beings who easily fall prey to the weaknesses and vagaries of our nature. What I have seen and heard about divorce is not pretty and I don’t want that to be the story of my children’s lives.

 Dr T.,

 I am impressed by you and your drive to do right by your kids. I agree with you wholeheartedly that despite your own personal pain, it is your privilege and responsibility to make sure that your children suffer as little as possible from their parents’ decisions.

 From a child/teen’s point of view, the shame and embarrassment are overwhelming. Though increasingly more common, divorce is seen – particularly in our community- as a failure. The child may feel that he and his family are now nebachs and less-than. The shame is highlighted at every event – from school play to chasuna- and turn joyous occasions into nightmares. In addition, the shame stimulates fear that the parent’s status will impact on the child’s opportunities- like getting into ‘best’ seminary /yeshiva, shidduchim etc.

 But the real pain of divorce is the on-going conflict between the parents, often drawing the children in to take sides. To gain sympathy and support, a parent may make his child his confidant- burdening the child with information no child should ever have. Encouraging a child to take sides inevitably turns the child against the other parent, a very unfortunate result. A child wants and needs both parents. And, more often that it should, children mistakenly feel that they have caused the divorce.  If only they had behaved better, listened more, fought less – they would not have driven their parents to this sorry state. This burden of guilt weighs heavily and impacts negatively on the children who bear it.

 I have heard it said that for successful divorce you must love your children more that you hate your former spouse. However deep your negative feelings are about your spouse, you care for your children more. That means that you understand that he needs a father – and one he can respect as well. This may take almost inhuman self-control on your part, but in the ‘kids first’ model, it is what’s called for. It also means giving up the notion of fairness- for responsibilities, yomim tovim, vacations. It may require some impartial mediator to negotiate that which you cannot.

 In a civilized divorce, both parents put their children’s need before their own. They speak well [or at least in neutral tones] of their former spouse and insist that the children do as well. The divorced spouse is not some evil monster; it is someone who you could not live with. But, your child must, and if you don’t poison the air, wants to. So, though you may feel cheated, besmirched, trashed, or dragged through the mud, you want to refrain from seeking revenge for the sake of your child. If you teach your child that he is the son of garbage, he will inevitably feel like garbage as well.

 Sometimes, people feel that they need to justify themselves in the eyes of others, prove that they are the injured spouse. Again, though that might feel good for you in the short term, it is damaging to your children in the long term. Though nobody cares why you got divorced, they will remember the terrible things about your child’s parent-and the person who said it. Allowing your child to grow up with his reputation intact is a great gift you can bestow upon your child. Hard as it is, keep your counsel.

 But, we have no control over what other people do: we can only control ourselves. We cannot predict how the other party will react. If you are in a difficult situation with an unco-operative spouse, get advice, get help, get support- try to figure out what the best recourse is. You know what you want above all- a happy home for your children – and do what you can to get there.

 Now, this column is not written in the spirit of naivete and cluelessness. We are all aware of very ugly divorces in our community – some the subject of terrible chilul hashem.  Often these divorces are wars over money and control of the children. I hope this will not be the case. But even in war there are rules of war. As Torah Jews, all the rules and prohibitions that apply to everything else in our lives, apply here too. Being demeaned, angry, or cheated are not reasons to give up on our way of life and doing what’s required.

 Above all, be an advocate for your child. Be- and show him- that you are on his side. Communicate. Allow him to express his discomfort and pain. Show him that you will always try to act in his best interest. Take pride in being misgaber and doing the right thing, even when it was really very, very hard. And, look forward to the nachas of doing your very best for your child.

Note: This article does not apply to a case where the parent is abusive or mentally ill. In such cases, get personal guidance by rabbonim and professionals.