Dear Dr. T.,

I remember reading in your column a few months ago about a teenager who would kill for an “A.” Well, my daughter is seven and doesn’t care yet about grades, but she will do just about anything – as long as she gets a reward.

 So, if she eats her dinner – even her very favorite one – she must get her prize- dessert. If she is ready for school on time, she will say, “Quick! Take a picture. I’m all dressed and ready to go.” She wants a chart for bedtime [stickers and an eventual prize] and a reward each time her teacher sends home a ‘good’ note.

 The weirdest thing? Even if she enjoys the activity [like being in a performance] – she expects a prize for her participation.

 Now, lest you think my daughter is spoiled, let me tell you that I have discussed this with other mothers and they say the same thing. So, maybe my whole generation is spoiling our kids; that could be. What I want to know is how do I get my daughter to want to do something for its own sake? How do I get her to appreciate a job well done, rather than just value the reward she earns? After all, we can’t all get prizes for everything we do. I know she is only seven, but we have to start sometime.

 

Dr. T.,

 What you are talking about is internal vs. external motivation. Whereas internal motivation comes from within the person himself, external motivation exists from the outside – usually in the form of reinforcement or punishment.

 Extrinsic motivation is widely used with children – both at home and in school. Children are encouraged by tangible rewards like stickers, stars, nosh, and trinkets. They are also motivated by intangible rewards – praise, hi-five’s, applause, and smiles. Extrinsic motivation works wonders with children – especially in the short run. As a general rule, most young children don’t have much intrinsic motivation and need – at least initially- the push from the outside.

 However, interestingly enough, extrinsic motivation does not stop with childhood. Adolescents are rewarded with car keys, extended curfews, and all sorts of electronic gadgets. In school, they are often recipients of the coveted “A”, honorable mentions – often for simply showing up. There are certificates and prizes for fairly ordinary achievements. Even on the job, employers are apt to motivate workers by free lunches, bonuses, and vacation days.

 Your daughter is in good company expecting constant external rewards. So, what is the problem?

 Well, while extrinsic rewards are great for the very young and in the short term, intrinsic motivation is better because it exists from within and is driven by the person’s interests. For example, consider the difference between the girl who practices piano because she loves it and wants to excel and the girl who works for the Slurpee she gets each time she practices. Or, think about the quality of the work of the student who loves learning vs. the student who merely wants a good grade.

 For our children to be autonomous and self-motivated, to have goals and aspirations- they need to develop intrinsic motivations. They need to be less dependent on the world around them to support their every achievement and learn to value their achievements. We want them to learn that achievement is its own reward – no prize needed. What we are aiming for is the pride of self -achievement.

 Supporting intrinsic motivation may feel like it goes against the tenor of the time where parents are encouraged to reinforce constantly, but it can be done. Here are some thoughts.

 Model Express your satisfaction when you have accomplished a goal. Talk about how good the accomplishment itself feels- no mention of a reward.

     I feel so good the house is done before Shabbos. It makes Shabbos that much more enjoyable.

 Teach self -direction There is a larger sense of accomplishment when you do something yourself, as opposed to being prodded or motored along. Think of how we feel when we complete a project on our own without being nagged, ‘helped’, or hassled.

    Mendy feels really excited about the upcoming brochos bee. Each time he masters another section, he gets more and more into it. His parents help him along – buying flash cards, reviewing with him, and even testing him.  Though he is not one of the finalists, he makes a decent showing and tells everyone and anyone he knows about his participation in the project and how exciting it was.

 Set reasonable expectations.

When a child expects a reward, he may lose interest in his goal because he is focused on the reward, though the job is the point, not the reward. But, if the expectations are appropriate- not too high or too low- a child can learn to feel the satisfaction of a job well done – without the offer of a reward.

Sometimes kids are cajoled into eating the main dish by getting a treat for dessert. So, the main becomes a chore, something to overcome on the way to the prize. But, if no treat is offered, and the main dish is tailored to the child in both taste and appearance [think smiley-face vegetable plate], it is conceivable that the child can learn to savor and appreciate the taste of healthy foods.

 Being aware of the importance of intrinsic reward is key to our efforts to help our children develop such goals. And, while verbal rewards and the very occasional tangible reward can jumpstart motivation, we don’t want our children to be so dependent on them to the extent that they are lost without it. Children who want to achieve and revel in their accomplishments feel good about themselves and are an asset to society.