Dear Dr. T.,

 My eighteen-year-old daughter is a really good girl. I am not the only one who says this: for example, she won the middos award at  her high school graduation. She got into a great seminary, is accumulating college credits, and we are anticipating with joy the next milestones in her life ayh.

 Perfect picture- so why write? Well, I am not sure this is a problem, maybe more like a personality trait. The trouble is – that I don’t think it’s healthy and I worry about her going forward on her own.

 Basically, she can’t say ‘no’- even when she wants to. Sometimes, I can see that her whole body is screaming ‘no’- yet she still won’t say it. Being mevater is a wonderful quality- but not at the cost to oneself. We all need to have limits, and not setting boundaries – to me, at least- seems to be a recipe for disaster. I worry about her in Sem and with a new chosen. If she cannot say ‘no’, my fear is that she will be taken advantage of.

 Cossetted as my daughter is in a supportive home and a small school with friends she’s been with since grade one, she does not seem too troubled by this issue. But, it’s a big world out there, with many, many people – and who knows how this will play out. Can I just trust that life will teach her- as it often does for us all-and let things go? And, what makes someone like this- unable to draw a line in the sand for self- protection?

 Dr. T.,

Though life, and our many experiences, do teach us a lot – often that’s the hard way. Rather than getting burnt or failing to get the message at all, I would go for a more proactive approach.

In order to deal with this, first we have to understand it. There are many reasons why people ‘say yes when they want to say no.’ Let’s look at them and see if any fit your daughter.

 People who are people pleasers, who need the approval of others, find it hard to say ‘no’ and possibly lose favor with them. Even people who do well may feel insecure in this one area. They may believe that to maintain their favored status, they need to do for others. This can be the result of a childhood where they were praised for their accomplishments, rather than appreciated for who they were. They always had to ‘do’ rather than just ‘be.’

 Some people with this issue lack self-confidence. They continually doubt themselves and feel guilty and selfish if their needs trump others. Above all, they hate conflict. The idea that someone will be upset with them and the possibility that there will be an uncomfortable reaction is just too much to bear.

 Many a frum person, particularly a young woman, has the belief system that being a ba’al middos means putting other people’s wants and needs before their own. Saying ‘no’ is seen as selfish and uncaring. And, while it is true that marriage and parenting do require some degree of selflessness, consistently ignoring our own needs [and sometimes wants] is a recipe for disaster. We all have the right and responsibility to take care of ourselves- that does not bespeak a lack of middos.

 Helping your daughter is an ongoing process: people don’t change their behavior in a day. Whether you speak the language of emotions with her is a question only you can answer. But if you and she feel comfortable with these topics, then go for it. In addition, she may be willing to read, listen to tapes, or even go to a bit of counseling to develop a better understanding of what she is doing and why.

 Modeling what you want to see is a basic way to teach, as well. Our children watch us in 24/7 in many circumstances, and often can even anticipate our moves. Let her see you say no to her sister for babysitting, or to her neighbor for challah baking. Talk about how in those few instances the cost to your well -being is too great considering the other commitments you have. As your daughter sees the ‘no’ in action and understands its value in the overall picture, hopefully she will learn to appreciate its value.

 Talking or communication- that’s another way to help your daughter. One of the things I would convey is that we have to honest with ourselves and others about our needs and wants. If we simply comply with every request, we often don’t have time for the things we must do. We then end of resenting the person who asked for whatever- conveniently forgetting that we were the ones who said ‘yes!’

 Though your daughter is only eighteen, I do want to comment on the inability to say a definitive, clear, unapologetic ‘no’ to children. Our children test our limits all the time and excel in pushing the boundaries. When a parent tiptoes around the ‘no’ and says ‘maybe’ or ‘we’ll see later’ she is issuing an invitation to continued begging and pleading. A strong ‘no’ when necessary is the most effective and efficient way to go- sparing both the parent and child the dickering and bargaining that is so unpleasant.

 What we are looking at here is achieving a balance between self and others. That involves choice- a choice that only we can make. No-one else knows our life as well as we do, so only we get to decide. Hopefully, with your efforts and direction, your daughter will achieve that balance soon.