Dear Dr. T.,

The subject of your last column just blew me away. You wrote about a daughter who has trouble saying ‘no’ and is mevater even at a cost to herself. When I look around today, I don’t see many girls like that. What I do see is girls who do many good things- like drive for bikur cholim or visit the elderly- but on their own terms. Maybe I am old fashioned, but the concept of putting other needs before our own just doesn’t seem to exist anymore.

 

 

I too am the mother of a post-sem girl. I wish she would stretch herself and do things for others even when it’s not the most convenient. But, when I look at my daughter and her friends, I see that the barometer is what they feel like doing, not what they should, or could be doing.

 So, it goes like this:

 Can you clean your room for Shabbos? I’m not in the mood

 Call your Bubby and see how she’s doing – I don’t feel like it

Can you stop off on the way home and pick up your sister? -It’s out of my way

 The neighbors asked if you could babysit on Sunday night- I would prefer not to

 You get the drift. It’s not that my daughter doesn’t have the right to say ‘no’, and I am sure she has her reasons. But I would like to see her be willing to inconvenience herself in small ways for someone else’s sake. After all, she will be dealing with motherhood soon enough and she will have to learn to put her baby’s needs before her own. It seems to me that it’s important to start stretching her ‘giving’ muscle now.

 

Dr. T.,

 What you are talking about is a balance. We don’t want our children to always put themselves first- or last. We don’t want them to feel compelled to do what others want, yet nor do we want them to ignore the concerns of others. Since in the last article I talked about people who have trouble saying ‘no’, in this article I will talk about the opposite issue- people who say ‘no’ all too glibly and without a backward glance.

What you are describing is someone loath to leave her comfort zone. Her setpoint is what works for her. Though she believes in good works, and actually does chesed in her community, it’s on her own terms. She may have little motivation to leave the comfort and safety of her present life.

 The ‘comfort zone’ phenomenon seems to be a more recent one. In previous times, society placed greater emphasis on doing for others- but today we have the ‘me’ generation. In addition, the concept that force is an inappropriate method of molding behavior makes parents hesitant about insisting that their children do what they are loathe to do. In this more relaxed society, our children have little impetus to pressure themselves for the sake of others.

 But all is not lost. Parents can make a tremendous difference in the behavior of their children. As always, modeling is the best way to educate. Let your children see you help out a neighbor, stretch yourself for the sake of a child, or inconvenience yourself for the greater good. If your child is open to it, talk about how sometimes we need to consider others- even when it’s hard for us. A good example of this in our corona world is/was wearing a mask: despite the fact that it is cumbersome and uncomfortable, we wear it to protect others.

 Though your child is not your friend or your equal, you are on the same team. So, rather than insisting or forcing, invoke team spirit and stretch yourself as a family. Though no one enjoys Mr. King’s [a negative, non-too clean bachelor] company, perhaps as a family you can have him for Shabbos lunch. Or, maybe you can invite Tzvi, a young cousin with autism for a Shabbos afternoon. Getting used to the stretch within the comfort of family is a supportive way to begin moving out of the comfort zone.

 

At the end of the day, what is most reinforcing and what makes behavior stick is positive feedback. Instead of nagging and demanding that our children do whatever, we are far better off to notice and praise what they actually do. In the way that we praise excellence in schoolwork or physical appearance, we need to be attuned and compliment every step in the right direction. And this includes the home front as well. Lucky is the family where the siblings are willing and able to move themselves for the sake of the other.

 

We are always striving for the balance – the perfect mix of behavior traits. And, though we probably will never achieve perfection, rounding out the edges is always a good plan. The ability to say ‘no’ when necessary and the skill of stretching yourself when able  is a good place to start.