Dear Dr. T.,

My ten-year-old daughter is the chatty type. She loves to talk- and she’s only ten so she says lots of things over and over. She has graduated from Clifford and his adventures to school anecdotes. I can tell you what each teacher and principal wore every day since the beginning of school, how many times each girl was absent and/or late, and what games- winners and losers- for every recess this school year.

Now that she’s ten, she also is starting to have more serious issues than an unstylish teacher. There’s the usual peer pressure, beginning of concern over grades, and the endless family squabbles.

Sounds kind of typical- maybe a bit over the top? - but not very serious. I know that lots of kids talk and talk and demand lots of patience and listening. Is this such a big deal?

Maybe this is just a mismatch between me and my daughter: she likes to talk, and I don’t especially like listening- and this is getting in the way of our relationship. All day long I hear,” Maaaaa, you’re not listening!!!” or “Just listen for a minute!” It is starting to get frustrating for me and for her.

What’s fair here – so that she feels I listen, and I am not held hostage?

All kidding aside, I do want to be there for her, but I am afraid I am getting burnt out by the constant chatter.

Dr. T.,

Listening to our children- to the trivial and the important, to what is said and what is unsaid [that downward slope of the shoulders] is what we do as parents. Listening shows empathy- that we care how our children are feeling. It tells them that their thoughts and feelings matter. When they know we are listening, they are more likely to confide in us and share their lives.

Good listening is an art, a job, a responsibility- and not always easy, as you so graphically pointed out. It starts with getting ready to listen. That means – none of the ‘uhum’s’ while you slice pickles or work on the computer. It means stopping what you are doing, if you can- or saying something like “I really want to hear this, but I am in middle of preparing dinner. What’s a good time tonight to talk?’ And, then keeping that time commitment. Whenever you do listen, sit down- it shows you take your child seriously

But what if – like in your case- what your child wishes to say is boring, repetitive, and endless. Though this is particularly problematic in the younger child,  even we adults are sometimes guilty of going on and on. Well, you can consider giving yourself a break and permit yourself to think of other things when the talk gets unbearable. An even better idea is to provide your daughter with some self -awareness. Saying something like “I know you love baking and can talk about what you made all day, but other people might not be so into it.” If your child is open to such feedback, you are actually doing her a favor by improving her communication skills. Even a young child can hear this and be redirected – if it is done in a non-critical way.

In all likelihood, you are looking at a social skills deficit where the executive functioning filter seems to lack a red- or at least a blinking yellow -signal. So, while most of us factor in turn- taking when we communicate, there is no such awareness here. But, if and when the parent can direct her child without the child feeling stigmatized or bad, it is important to help the child develop new skills. Training the child, for example, to use her self -awareness to monitor her communication is one such tool. Teach your child to use her self awareness [I like to talk on and on] to direct her conversation [people will like me more if I learn some self-control about my habit to talk a lot.] Even the realization of the fact that there is a red- or yellow- light that we should be paying attention to is helpful in conquering this habit.

Sometimes the issue resides in the parent, more than the child. We don’t listen because we don’t want to hear. Whether it is our child struggling or making poor decisions- we are not willing or able to listen at this time. We might be tempted to cut off stories of slights at school, homework woes, or injustices in the school system. It may seem easier to try to smooth things over by saying things like ‘It doesn’t matter’ or ‘Just ignore whatever’- and certainly less painful. But we have to be able to hear the hard things and let our children talk them out. Similarly, if our children are floundering and not choosing wisely, we want to listen to their thoughts, rather than just straighten them out. It’s not only the result that counts, but the process of listening and paying attention to the child’s inner world that is important. So, when your child talks about staying home in the summer and refuses day camp, you don’t want to go all hard line and insist that she go to camp. A much better, though difficult, approach is to let your daughter talk it through and for you to listen.

As far as your daughter is concerned, there is no one answer. Between her own maturation and your guidance- some of the excess should lesson. And, like many things parenting, this situation requires lots of patience and toleration. Think of it as reading ‘Curious George” five times in a row and you will get what I mean.

 Listening without judgment is one of our hardest jobs as parents – and as spouses as well. Judgment cuts off communication- absence of judgment, opinions, “mom knows best”, invites dialogue and a good relationship. Seeing listening as an art and responsibility should make the task worthwhile.