Our Gemara on Amud Aleph relates one of my all-time favorite Talmudic aphorisms:
When our love was strong, we could have slept on a bed that was the width of a sword. Now that our love is not strong, a bed of sixty cubits is not big enough for us.
The tone of this aphorism is defeated and pessimistic. It seems to reflect the perspective of an older married person who no longer feels the passion that once animated his relationship. However, the Gemara is not in the habit of lamenting life without offering a moral lesson. The most obvious lesson here is that indignities and frustrations are not necessarily evaluated by how severe they are or by determining who was truly at fault. Rather, our affection or intolerance toward the offender plays the most decisive role.
Humans give all kinds of rationalizations for their so-called intellectual judgments, but research by Nobel prize-winning economist Daniel Kahneman has demonstrated that most decisions are driven by emotion. We like to believe that we are keen judges of human behavior, weighing right and wrong with precision. However, in reality, our assessments of others are heavily influenced by our underlying emotional state.
This idea is echoed in the research of Dr. John Gottman, who coined the terms “negative sentiment override” and “positive sentiment override.” Gottman found that if a couple is in a generally positive mood toward each other, experiences that might otherwise be interpreted negatively are viewed in a positive light — and vice versa. For example, if a spouse arrives a few minutes later than agreed upon, negative sentiment override might lead the other spouse to assume it reflects the spouse’s “typical irresponsibility.” On the other hand, under positive sentiment override, even if the spouse is 30 minutes late or more, the partner is likely to think, “Things must have been hectic at work,” or, “She probably had a packed schedule today.”
How is a positive disposition in the relationship created and maintained according to Gottman’s research? After reviewing thousands of hours of recorded interactions between couples over a 20-year period, Gottman concluded that as long as the couple maintains a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions, positive sentiment override will prevail. If the ratio falls below 5:1, negative sentiment override takes over. Notably, a “positive interaction” does not need to be grand or elaborate. It could be as simple as a smile, a hug, a compliment, or assistance with a small task.
This research also highlights the role of momentum in relationships. Positive experiences generate positive thoughts, which in turn foster more positive experiences. Unfortunately, the reverse is also true: negative experiences breed negative thoughts, which inspire more negative behavior. The Talmud’s imagery of a couple once able to sleep comfortably on the width of a sword reminds us that when love is strong, even what seems impossible becomes manageable.
If we actively work to cultivate love, small grievances will not feel insurmountable. But if we allow love to wither, even the vast space of a sixty-cubit bed will feel constricting.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation 
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