Megillas MAGA
© 2025 Simcha Feuerman
Chapter 1: The Bumbling King
In the days of BidenOyVeyLeRosh, ruler of 50 (give or take a few disputed) states, there was much confusion in the land. From his mighty throne in the Swamp of Washington, he sat on his throne. His advisors whispered amongst themselves:
“Does he need a nap first?”
“Which teleprompter setting today: ‘Normal’ or ‘Extra Large’?”
One day, BidenOyVeyLeRosh, in a moment of excitement, decided to throw a grand feast. The elite sipped cocktails, the media swooned, and the people received stimulus checks—enough for half a carton of eggs.
Amid the revelry, BidenOyVeyLeRosh called for Queen Kamala , a woman known for her mystical riddles and uncontrollable cackling.
“Bring forth the queen!” he slurred.
But Kamala refused to come, being far too busy explaining the passage of time to preschoolers.
Enraged (or at least, slightly more confused than usual), BidenOyVeyLeRosh consulted his advisors, who sternly declared: “Sir, she’s polling worse than you. Time to ‘promote’ her elsewhere!”
And so, Kamala was banished—to a series of awkward press conferences.
Chapter 2: The Rise of Ivanker
In the heartland of the kingdom, where people still flew flags and ate burgers without shame, lived a man named Jaredechai the MAGA-y. Jaredechai, a proud patriot, had raised his cousin Ivanker, a woman of grace, wisdom, and the best branding deals in the land.
When the search began for a new queen, Ivanker was brought to the palace. She did not reveal her true identity, instead quietly perfecting the art of the knowing nod.
When BidenOyVeyLeRosh saw her, he clapped his hands together in delight.
“She’s the best, just tremendous. Believe me. Everyone’s saying it!”
And so, Ivanker became queen.
Meanwhile, Jaredechai the MAGA-y uncovered a Deep State Coup—two bureaucrats plotting to install a more competent puppet in the palace. Jaredechai exposed the scheme, but his warnings were promptly buried under 17 headlines about Dr. Fauci and Russia, Russia, Russia.
Chapter 3: The Rise of Obamalek
Now in those days, a dark and shadowy figure arose—Obamalek. His origins were whispered about in hushed tones; some say he was born in the depths of an NGO, others claim he materialized from a pile of shredded ballots.
With an army of activists, fact-checkers, and well-funded chaos, Obamalek slithered into the king’s favor.
Obamalek cast lots to determine the correct day to carry out his plan, using various voting machines, which were rigged.
“Sire,” he whispered, “the people of MAGA are dangerous. They think for themselves. They don’t listen to my media. They must be silenced! And, look, even the polls show it to be true”
BidenOyVeyLeRosh, in a rare moment of decisiveness, nodded and signed an executive decree (he was told it was a birthday card). And so, the MAGA people were canceled, de-platformed, and shadowbanned.
When Jaredechai the MAGA-y heard this, he tore his garments (though he kept the power tie). He sent word to Ivanker:
“You must go to the king! The people need you!”
Chapter 4: Ivanker’s Stand
At first, Ivanker hesitated.
“If I go to him uninvited, I may be canceled!”
But Jaredechai reminded her:
“Do not think you will be safe in the palace! If you stay silent, help will come from… well, probably Florida. But your name will be erased!”
So Ivanker fasted for three days, then bravely approached BidenOyVeyLeRosh.
When the king saw her, he was dazzled.
She invited BidenOyVeyLeRosh and Obamalek to a great banquet, where the ultimate red pill would be dropped.
Chapter 5: Obamalek’s Downfall
Meanwhile, Obamalek was doubling down on destruction, building lawfare lawsuits for Jaredechai the MAGA-y.
But that night, something shocking happened—BidenOyVeyLeRosh had a moment of clarity!
“Wait… didn’t Jaredechai save me from a coup?”
His advisors scrambled to change the subject, but it was too late—he remembered something for more than 30 seconds!
The next morning, as Obamalek came to demand Jaredechai’s punishment, BidenOyVeyLeRosh blurted out:
“We should honor Jaredechai!”
A stunned Obamalek was then forced to parade Jaredechai through the streets, declaring,
“Thus shall be done to the man whom the king delights to honor!”
At the banquet, Ivanker revealed her true identity:
“O King, my people have been targeted! This man, Obamalek, is behind it!”
BidenOyVeyLeRosh, confused but outraged, turned to Obamalek:
“Wait… you’re the bad guy?!”
Obamalek, sweating profusely, tried to explain, but it was too late.
And so, in an ironic twist of fate, Obamalek was prosecuted via lawfare on the very gallows that he had prepared for Jaredechai. Including amongst those hung, was Chad, who assisted in a prior stolen election. His cousin, Pregnant chad was spared on account of her unborn innocent baby. Dimpled Chad was also spared from hanging due to his tender young age. It was Gore Meshuggah.
Chapter 6: The Great Redemption
With Obamalek defeated and the election actually won by a landslide, a new decree was issued:
“The people of MAGA may defend themselves—on social media, in elections, and at their backyard BBQs!”
And defend themselves they did. The kingdom was restored to greatness.
Jaredechai the MAGA-y was elevated to a position of honor. Ivanker continued to keep America stylish and strong.
And thus, the days of Purim-MAGA were established—a time of feasting, celebrating, and the First and Second amendment honored as it should be, never to be repealed.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation 
If you liked this, you might enjoy my Relationship Communications Guide. Click on the link above.
Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families as well male sexual health. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com