Question: I live in a neighborhood/community where there is a big emphasis on money. It is a young neighborhood where people are just starting work, and some are making serious money and throwing it around. So there has recently become this pressure to “keep up with the Joneses.” I have a salaried job and al pi derech hateva I am not going to become a millionaire any time soon. This was always ok with me, and I didn’t want more financially in my life. I Baruch Hashem have many brachos and all the important things; friends, family, marriage are going well. I always thought this would be enough for me, but recently I just can’t quash the feelings of jealousy, resentment, and frustration that I have. I find myself spending money I don’t have on things I don’t need. What is most frustrating is that I always thought I didn’t believe in this, that it didn’t matter to me. I try to fight it, but it isn’t working. My sechel isn’t winning and I find myself becoming more discouraged.  Can you please offer some encouragement and advice to me and others like me trying to be ok with our financial status.

This is a great question. Considering its prevalence, it is more of a communal question than a clinical one. As such, I wish to respond from a broader lens and not limit this to a psychotherapy perspective. In fact, since this is a topic that my father a'h frequently discussed, I would like to share some of his thoughts and dedicate these words lilui nishmaso. 

Indeed, many of us are stuck in a materialistic world. We delude ourselves that buying things will bring happiness, but cars, fancy vacations, and excessive spending on simchos (even meatboards) won't accomplish this. Research (and life experience) consistently show that focusing on long-term goals, relationships, and meaningful pursuits will ultimately lead to greater happiness. Materialistic pursuits will, at most, bring short term pleasure. 

The additional complication in many of our cohesive communities is the pressure to spend what we don't have just to keep up with the neighbors. This does not result in happiness, but contributes instead to stress, jealousy, and endless chasing of something elusive. 

You are normal and your struggle is typical. The Rambam in hilchos deios (chapter 6) writes how one of the greatest influences on our behavior is our surroundings. Like most others, you are simply responding to your surroundings. However, this does not mean that you are stuck. The same surrounding influences that trap can also liberate. You chose to live in this neighborhood, and you can similarly choose to leave it. Obviously, this is complicated, but when core values are at stake, all options should be considered. Neighborhood and community influences are so powerful that sometimes drastic changes can have a profound effect on life's direction. Think about what you'd like you and your family to be like in 25 years from now. Your surroundings will play a very large role in your getting there. 

At the very least, you may wish to consider developing additional environments. Find additional Rabbonim, friendships, and groups for you and family that share your core values. Increased exposure to those who support, encourage, and keep you grounded, can buffer you from powerful communal pulls. 

Another helpful angle may be for you to take a stand and become a role model for others. While there is a powerful pull to follow the crowd, the pride of standing out and doing what is right can be greater. This involves sharing with your family and others the importance of "davka" not following the crowd and, on principle, staying away from these trends. People like you who are doing well in other areas (friends, family, marriage) can become respected for speaking out on topics that most know are silly and unnecessary. Those who have taken a principled stand often report a sense of pride and mission which certainly can outweigh the temporary benefits that following the crowd provides, and ultimately can influence others. 

Finally, it is worthwhile to spend time working on the midda of self-discipline, also known as gvura. This is about telling yourself no and practicing it. Yes, restraint is hard work, but yields great benefits. See for example the work of David Brooks on self-discipline and resilience.

I would like to conclude with a thought regarding the upcoming Yomtov of Sukkos, alluding to the above themes. The meforshim grapple with the question of why we lain Koheles specifically on Sukkos. A common explanation is because Koheles focuses on the futility of mundane pursuits and pleasures and instead advocates searching for deeper meaning in life. Sukkos is the time of year when crops are gathered and we therefore tend to focus on material pursuits. It is precisely at this time that Shlomo Hamelech reminds us to seek meaningful accomplishment and real achievement rather than becoming stuck in the pursuit of materialism. It could also be for this reason that on Sukkos we leave our diras keva to a temporary structure where we are reminded how physicality and materialism should not be our focus. 

May you merit a yomtov and life of true meaningful simcha.