By Rachel Rosenholtz, LCSW

Once again, another school year has come to a close. For some kids, the year was enjoyable and rewarding; for others, not so much. Struggle, frustration, disappointment, behavioral issues and failure were hallmarks of their experience. For these kids and their parents, the respite of summer vacation couldn’t come any sooner.

Parents can become particularly frustrated when they know and believe that their child is smart and capable, yet something seems to be holding him or her back from succeeding in the classroom. Many of these children do very well in some subjects, yet poorly in others. This phenomenon is often explained by the idea that every child has his or her weakness; after all, not every child is destined to be a math whiz or a spelling master, and these struggles are accepted at face value. But other times, when these struggles manifest in behavioral symptoms, such students are viewed as being lazy, unmotivated or acting out in order to get attention. They are then frequently pressured to put in more effort, and both parents and educators are generally disappointed with the results. But, though they may not show it, no one is more disappointed than the child herself. 

While there are myriads of reasons that a child may struggle in school, a major contributing factor is often anxiety: about being able to perform, tackling certain subject matters, or fear of failing.

According to the National Institution of Health, 25.1% of 13- to 18-year-olds suffer from anxiety.  It is well known that younger children suffer from anxiety as well. Generally speaking, some anxiety is okay. In fact, anxiety in healthy amounts is what encourages us in general to perform well and focus on what needs to get done. However, not all children have developed the ability to regulate their anxiety levels. For some students, anxiety can get out of hand and actually inhibit their ability to learn.

The "Weak" Student

There is an intrinsic connection between the emotional state of a person and his or her working memory, namely, the person's ability to process and store new information. Priscilla L. Vail M.A.T., a renowned learning specialist, consultant, and author of numerous books on the topic of emotional and learning issues, explains that children “faced with frustration, despair, worry, sadness or shame lose access to their own working memory. Anxiety is the enemy of memory, and sadly, in many of today’s classrooms we see children whose intellectual energies and capacities are drained by negative emotional states.” Access to working memory and subsequently, to long-term memory, is an integral aspect of academic success. Once a child loses that, he will be unable to do well in school.

Children with anxiety who do not understand what is happening to them can begin to see themselves as incapable and a failure. The child knows that he could do better, yet does not understand that it is his emotional state that is obstructing his ability to succeed. The child now defines himself by his inability to succeed in school since school is such a huge part of a child’s life. This, in turn, sabotages his self-esteem, which is integral for functioning in every aspect of life, both in and out of school. Poor self-esteem creates insecurity, and insecurity creates anxiety, which stifles the ability to hope and dream and blackens attitudes.

Perception is a powerful factor in determining someone’s personal reality. Despite their capabilities, the mere fact that they believe they cannot succeed is enough to inhibit future success. 

Unfortunately, by avoiding new things, a person will also lose out on the chance to succeed and the accompanying great feeling of accomplishment which helps to foster self-confidence.    

Unfortunately for some children with anxiety, the school year creates a vicious cycle: Schoolwork creates anxiety, anxiety contributes to failure, failure leads to loss of self-esteem and insecurity, and insecurity creates more anxiety. The irony of this is that the child may very well be able to succeed academically, but the anxiety simply does not allow it. The child’s mind is shut down by the anxiety, which, in turn, practically ensures continued poor performance, and so the cycle is perpetuated.

The summer is a great time to address these emotional struggles and break the negative cycle, beginning with helping to repair your child’s self-esteem and increase confidence. 

The Key to Confidence

The key to helping your child restructure the way he views himself and thus, build up his self-confidence, is to create a shift in his focus from the things he can't do to the things he can, especially if there is something he really can do but just doesn’t believe it. Successes are crucial for repairing self-esteem.

The first step is to recognize what your child is inherently good at. A child can have natural talents or strengths but may not be utilizing or even be aware of them. Camp is a wonderful place to help a child gain confidence and recognize personal strengths. There are abundant opportunities to succeed with wide-ranging camp activities from swimming to singing. There are also no negative "grade" or "mark" distractions.

As a parent, it helps to encourage your child to take risks in activities that you are fairly certain he will succeed in (even if the child himself does not believe he will). Once you have a good sense of your child's natural talents and strengths, encourage your child to engage in any of the many diverse activities in camp that you feel your child will surely succeed in doing. By focusing on his ability to be successful, you will instantly increase his sense of confidence and create the energy for him to take on new risks. This will drive the cycle of risk, success and confidence, thus creating the capacity for taking even greater risks and reaping bigger rewards in a healthy way.   

Breaking the Cycle: The Salvation of Summer

To succeed in helping your child recognize his strengths, it isn’t enough to simply point out to him what he is good at;  the child must witness success firsthand to truly gain confidence in his or her abilities. To experience success, the child has to be able to take risks, which is crucial, because taking risks means the child is willing to attempt something new that he or she may or may not succeed in. The possibility of failure is very difficult for someone with low self-esteem to cope with.

Parents who are attuned to their child's strengths can jump start the cycle of success by encouraging safe risks and cheering him on as he comes to realize and utilize his true potential. If your child does not respond adequately to your supportive efforts, it may be an indication that there are more significant issues involved which require professional assistance to properly diagnose and treat.

Talia, an extremely athletic child, was going into first grade. Hula-hooping was a major activity in her day camp and Talia was eager to try it. After trying at it hard a few times, she quickly became frustrated with what she perceived as her poor performance. Her reaction to her “failure” was to give up entirely. She threw down the hula hoop and emphatically stated, “I’ll never be able to do this! I’m the worst hula-hooper ever!” Her mother knew she was athletic and had strong core muscles and that with enough practice, her daughter would surely succeed. Talia’s mother gently encouraged her daughter and was able to convince her to practice every day. Naturally, Talia improved and so did her confidence. By the end of the summer, Talia had become the best hula-hooper in her camp and even received an award!   

What worked for Talia was her mother pointing out how strong she was and emphasizing her athletic ability. This was something that Talia believed about herself to begin with. She kept trying, even attempting new tricks, until she became the best hula-hooper in camp.

The following school year, Talia was struggling with reading and was ready to give up. Instead of telling Talia that of course she will be able to read – a comment that Talia could debate – her mother would point to the certificate and remind her of her hula-hooping experience. She encouraged Talia to keep practicing, just as she had done with her hula-hooping. 

In this example, reading did not come easily to Talia, but with her mother’s help, she developed a perception of herself that, with continued practice, she could succeed. Talia learned to believe in herself and not to be frightened off by challenging situations. She now defines herself by what she is good at, and not by what she struggles with. It is this self-perception that gives her the strength to take on even greater challenges.

A School Year Success

People with healthy self-esteem don’t let their flaws define who they are. They accept the fact that no one is perfect at everything and instead focus on areas where they excel. This type of mindset virtually knocks anxiety out of the equation. Fear of failing no longer causes inhibition and the freedom to take risks is not impinged upon.

As their parent, you are your child's primary source of support. The fact is that children are highly influenced by how they believe their parents perceive them. Giving superficial compliments such as “you're a great kid” may not be enough to convince your child and sway his perception. Instead, give  specific, detailed compliments. Irrefutable compliments are best. Little by little, his view of himself will evolve into a more positively oriented one. This will give him the confidence to try more things and take greater risks. The greater risks will lead to greater accomplishments, which in turn will lead to an enhanced self-esteem.

Take advantage of all that summer has to offer and give your child a supportive summer and a healthier self-confidence. Entering into the new school year with a stronger and healthier sense of self, your child will be able to face his academic struggles with greater confidence, and, with this new mindset, your child can finally be free to achieve his very best.

Rachel Rosenholtz, LCSW is certified in TF-CBT and has a private practice located in the Five Towns. She specializes in treating anxiety, trauma and behavioral related issues. Rachel can be reached at (347) 673-1953 and Rachel@InvestInTherapy.com. To find out more, visit her website,  InvestInTherapy.com