Acceptance and Communication: Cornerstones in Marriage

By: David H. Rosmarin, Ph.D

Imagine the following scenario: You and your husband are recently married. You move into a new community and are looking to become more acquainted with other people, so your husband joins the local shul and becomes involved with their evening programming. You are happy for him and don’t want to interfere, but as time passes you realize you really don’t like him being out late at night. However, you decide the “virtuous wife” approach is to keep your concerns to yourself and not say anything to him, especially since he really seems to enjoy what he’s doing. Time passes, but your concerns don’t disappear. Every time your husband is out late, there is a niggling piece of you that says, “Why don’t you just talk to him about it?” But you’re afraid of hurting the relationship, and decide to remain quiet.

What’s the problem with this picture? Don’t we all have parts of our relationships that we don’t like, and choose to overlook for the sake of shalom bayis? The answer is yes. However, we must be careful to mindfully choose which aspects of imperfection we are able to ignore. Learning selflessness is important in a relationship, but only when we do so with both awareness and willingness. Without these, we end up doing more harm in than good in the long-term by internalizing that our needs are not important, or pretending that our relationships will have no problems if we say yes to everything. Over time, frustrations build up, leading to anger and ironically increasing the risk of losing the relationship, emotionally and/or physically.

These principles apply to almost all conflicts that occur in relationships, and needless to say they apply equally to men and women. Here are some concrete guidelines for how to be mindful within marriage:

First, figure out what you would like to be different about your relationship. Whether you will choose to accept the situation as it is or try to make changes, it’s important to recognize what is wrong. Even more important, is to validate your needs and perspectives. In the above scenario, even though a wife values her husband’s community involvement, it is still valid for her to struggle with his absence from the home each evening. Validation starts with noticing your emotions and the triggers that set them off, and it culminates with accepting that you are a human being who has needs. Figuring out what specifically bothers you and seeing the validity in how you feel is foundational to any relationship.

Second, if you decide to accept things as they are, remain mindful and aware of how you feel. The nature of emotions is that they change over time, and it is important to continue to recognize and validate your feelings. If at some point things change (and let’s be honest: we should expect that they will change at some point), we either need to double-down on our efforts to accept the relationship or find ways to make changes.

Third, is to communicate effectively. Here, the acronym DEAR-MAN from Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a helpful approach:

Describe: Describe the current situation to your partner, and limit yourself to the facts. For example, “You’ve been going out between 8pm and 10pm every night.”

Express: Express your feelings about the situation, using phrases such as “I feel” or “I want” instead of “you should.” For example, “When you are out so late, I feel lonely and sad. I also feel resentful about being left to handle all the household chores on my own.” Remain focused on your wants and needs.

Assert: Assert yourself by asking for what you want, and do not assume that your partner will figure it out on their. One of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is thinking that since we have known our partners for some time, they should already know what we want. For example, “I would really like it if you could be home by 9pm each night.”

Reinforce: Reinforce your perspective by explaining the positive effects of getting what you want or need. For example, “I’d be a lot less irritable at home and easier to deal with.”

Mindful: Keep your focus on the goal of the conversation without getting off topic. At some point, you may sound like a “broken record” in repeating your perspective again and again, but that is ok and certainly much better than venturing into tangents, which can easily lead to tension.

Appear confident: Make eye contact, keep your posture upright, and try to stay away from verbal qualifiers such as, “You know, um,” or “I’m not sure about this, but…” Appear confident even if you may feel anxious or uncomfortable inside.

Negotiate: Be flexible and willing to solve the problem in multiple ways. For example, “Can you come home by 9pm two or three evenings a week?” Or “Can you text me if you’re going to come home later than 9pm?” Additionally, you can ask your partner “What do you think we should do?” This approach shows that you are willing to be flexible and that you are a team – i.e., you are willing to see his/her perspective but not placing the burden on him/her to solve the issue.

The above skills can be helpful in all relationships – not only in marriage. If we are able to mindfully and effectively manage our emotions, we are most likely to have fulfilling and meaningful relationships.

David H. Rosmarin, Ph.D., ABPP, is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He also directs the Center for Anxiety, which has offices in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Monsey, and Boston. Rebecca Holczer, MA is a postdoctoral fellow at the Center for Anxiety’s Monsey office. They can be reached at info@centerforanxiety.org or 646.837.5557.