Raising teenagers in 2015 requires education, skill, luck, practice, and of course, prayer and God. Even with all that, it’s still not enough. We need more prayer and more God, and if you’ve ever raised a teenager, you’ll understand exactly why.

Adolescence is a time when a child naturally starts to experiment with rules, challenging authority, and beginning to form his/her own identity. While that can be terrifying for parents, it is a natural part of the growth process, and will enable the teen to develop his own individuality and find his unique place in this world.

If all teenagers go through this process, why are some more likely to act out than others? Why are some teens taking seemingly harmless risks, like experimenting with clothing or going on roller coasters, while others are cutting school, cheating on tests, or going even further and using alcohol and/or illegal substances? 

The answer to that, like most questions on human nature, is multifaceted. Research clearly indicates that nature and nurture – our genes and our environment – impact our personality and behavior. Nature, the genes that are passed down to us from our parents, means we have no say in what personality traits are inherited by our children. That also means less room for mistakes or ability to change. Nurture, however, is an area in which we can have some impact. The experiences that our children have and their relationships with their parents, siblings, friends, and school, are all factors that affect how children relate to the world as they try to gain a sense of mastery. As parents, we try to influence the environment of our children by creating a safe, loving, and nurturing home. We try to pick a school that represents our values and beliefs, and we try to ensure that our children choose healthy friends. Nevertheless, our influence is inevitably limited. And as our children grow older, these limitations increase further.

Perhaps if it were up to us, we would prefer a more cautious child who may fear pushing limits and taking risks.  That child may be easier to raise, easier to manage, and, as a parent, you would have less to worry about. However, there are drawbacks that come along with a child who doesn’t “test” authority, push the envelope or break a rule, even just a little.

If we look at successful businessmen, one quality that seems to be universal is the ability to take risks. Calculated risks – but risks nonetheless. Businesses can’t survive or grow without some level of risk-taking. It would be interesting to look back on the teenage years of some of the people who have achieved that level of success. Were these children more cautious by nature? Better behaved? Were they getting into trouble in school? Did they challenge authority or rules?  

In his book, Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, Dr. Daniel Siegel extensively highlights the changes in the brain that take place during this time. He clearly explains that risk-taking and challenging authority is not only necessary for teens, but also an unavoidable part of their maturing brain. Our job as parents is not to prevent them from this, but to help guide and support them so we can nurture this part of them. For teenagers, this is quite a tumultuous time, with intense feelings and beliefs that are both fleeting and yet, their only reality, at the same time.

It is essential that we understand what teens are going through as they enter this challenging phase of life. Perhaps we don’t recall our own childhood, or perhaps times have changed so dramatically that we cannot relate. But we need to know what’s “normal” and how to react appropriately.

In working with teens for the past 10 years, one of the key things I have learned is that under the teen facade of being mature, cool and independent, is a child yearning for connection and guidance; they just have difficulty acknowledging it. Teenagers want us there when they begin taking risks, in order to help cushion the fall. “Let me grow up,” they are saying, “but don’t leave my side just yet.”

So perhaps we don’t try to prevent them from taking these risks, and rather, be there at their side while they try to grow their wings.

As parents, that is one of the key challenges we face. It’s an art. It’s a balancing act. It’s a dance. So be prepared to put on your dancing shoes and join along.

Alexander Rand, LCSW-R CASAC is the Clinical Director of Evolve’s Jewish Community Program, Brooklyn. Evolve boasts two Jewish Community Programs, in Brooklyn and Los Angeles. The JCP Brooklyn provides premiere treatment for adolescents ages 12 to 18 who are struggling with family, mental health, or addiction issues in an outpatient setting, supported by a team of highly trained clinicians who understand the cultural and spiritual needs of this community. The JCP Los Angeles provides outpatient services for members of the community of every age and stage struggling with family, mental health, and addiction issues. For more information, visit www.evolvejcp.comor call 1-800-665-GROW.