Our Gemara on Amud Beis tells us some of the wisdom that Abaye’s mother taught him about child development:

⁦Abaye said: My mother told me: A child’s growth requires hot water and oil for smearing. When he grows a little, he must eat egg with kutaḥa, a pickled dip made with milk. When he grows a little more, he must have vessels to break, since he will enjoy breaking them. This is like Rabba who bought cracked ceramic vessels for his children, and they broke them for their enjoyment.

As religious people who value yiras shamayim, we attempt to live serious lives of responsibility.  We want to teach and train our children to live in the same manner yet we may underestimate the need for children to be children. Rabba was aware that at a certain age, his children needed to roughhouse and break things. 

It is important to know when to let children be children.  Psychologically, when a certain developmental stage is rushed or under-gratified it leads to a fixation. Thus, persons who are deprived of an appropriate measure of childhood fun may spend the rest of their lives being childish or chasing after puerile pursuits. On the other hand, those who were able to have their childhood needs gratified appropriately, but not overindulged, are able to assume more adult and mature responsibilities and express their need for pleasure and fulfillment in more age-appropriate ways. As an example, a child who was forced to sit and study in the Beis Midrash while his friends played around, might live the rest of his life being the eternal adolescent, excessively playing video games, watching sports, skydiving etc.  And the person who had an appropriate childhood, where instincts were neither under gratified nor over gratified, can fulfill these instinctive drives differently in adulthood. He or she can sublimate the desire to smash vessels and channel them into appropriate scholastic achievements such as building up and refuting Talmudic or legal arguments, debating important matters, and fighting for what you believe in.

I think we are so used to reading stories of great rabbinic prodigies who purportedly knew shas by age 6, that we delude ourselves into thinking that that is an appropriate way to raise children. To address that point, here are two anti-stories that actually speak of normal appropriate and developmental needs of children, despite them being prodigies.

I don’t know a verifiable source for this but there is a story about Rav Yaakov Emden when he was a youth. At age 11, he was a prodigy and was already giving a Shiur to baale Battim. One day a circus came to town and they were offering the local children donkey rides. Rav Emden joined in and took a ride too. His Baale Battim were scandalized. “Rebbe,” they said, “it is not fitting for you to ride a donkey.” Rav Emden supposedly responded, “and yet I am still an eleven year old boy who enjoys a donkey ride.”

Another story that is more recent and perhaps more verifiable is about Rav Reuven Feinstein as a young boy. Rav Moshe allowed his son’s learning to be interrupted so he could take a hayride.

Both of these stories can be found in various versions and discussed extensively in the comments section at this website:

https://cross-currents.com/2011/06/23/how-the-gadol-hador-showed-love-to-his-sons/

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

Do you like what you see? Please subscribe and also forward any articles you enjoy to your friends, (enemies too, why not?)