Much to my people’s chagrin, we have finally been outed as the nefarious villains that we are.

I feel the safest course of action is to just come forward and confess.

Our grandiose schemes aim for diabolical goals such as world peace, healing the sick, and feeding the poor.

My own agenda for world domination begins with education.

I believe in trying to brainwash innocent people across the world into learning how to read, analyze knowledge, think for themselves, and work toward competence and self-sufficiency.

As everyone knows, we greedy Jews are obsessed with accruing money for charity- we funnel money toward nonprofit causes the world over, even those that don’t directly help our own people, because we are just so mercenary.

We spend obscene amounts of time, money, and mental energy on medical research, bio-engineering, curing and preventing illness, and advancing hospital technology to save more lives. Sickening, I know.

We have an insane preoccupation with advocacy. We manipulate societal sympathies towards other minority groups, in order to curry their favor, and win them over, in the sinister interests of equality and civil rights. So sneaky.

We have infiltrated the entertainment industry, tainting your media with our strategic comedy and drama, as a clever distraction from our true agenda (survival.)

We have also disproportionately influenced the evolving liberal arts and soft sciences like literature, spirituality, psychology, motivation, and inspiration- cleverly inciting a harmful zeitgeist of progress and self-improvement.

After unspeakable genocide and torture in Europe, we spent years violently rioting destructively in the streets in retaliation… oh no, wait- actually, we emigrated to friendlier soil to heal and rebuild psychologically and economically.

The evil plan since then has been to nurture the pursuit education and hard work to contribute to our host countries, adding value and prosperity. The corruption of this all.

In the final stage of my Jewish conspiracy, I intend to cook up a huge, simmering vat of matzah ball soup, while cackling the hava nagila, and ship 7.5 billion containers of it out to y’all, cuz that stuff can fix anything. We Jews are so freakin scary.

Oh, and btw? Anyone who wants to can be “the true Hebrews.” We don’t proselytize but sincere converts are always welcomed- it’s literally a Biblical command for us to be inclusive - before it was trending. Or you could not convert, and just call yourself a true Hebrew, but without the vitriol. We really don’t care. We just wanna not be killed, beat up, and hate-speeched on, m’kay?

So, anyone who wants to join in this master plan to dominate the world with love, wisdom, freedom, peace, prosperity, and goodness, feel free to hop along for the ride- there’s plenty of room.

Bagels and lox optional.