Dear Therapist:

I’ve always been an anxious person. Baruch Hashem, I recently got engaged. She is a good girl and on paper things make sense.

There are things that make me uneasy, but I honestly can’t tell if they’re real concerns or just my anxiety talking. I feel like I pushed myself through the anxiety to get engaged, and now that things are more real, I’m back in that anxious mode again.

How do I tell the difference between anxiety and something I should actually be paying attention to? The fact that this is so important and I need to figure it out soon makes it worse. Thank you for your advice. 

Response:

You’re asking a difficult question. There is a simple strategy that can theoretically help you distinguish between anxiety and issues that warrant attention. In practice, however, implementing this strategy can be quite difficult.

Anxiety is largely a product of the unconscious mind. It is driven by unconscious fears, insecurities, and associations. By definition, anxiety is not logical.

There are two aspects of your thought process that are competing for attention. This may sound odd, but it’s something we all experience. Our unconscious minds generate emotions, while our conscious minds operate more logically.

At times, our emotions compete with our logical thinking. When it comes to emotions, the goal is usually to recognize them, allow them space, and work through them. Sometimes this happens naturally, based on years of learning how to manage difficult feelings. Often, our logical thoughts act as a counterbalance, allowing us to acknowledge emotions without letting them dominate our thinking or behavior.

There are times, however, when emotions remain persistent despite our attempts to consciously manage them. In those situations, it can become difficult to determine where logic ends and emotion begins.

It sounds as though you pushed through—or set aside—your anxiety about dating and marriage in order to move forward, rather than fully addressing it. While this may have felt necessary at the time, it often only postpones the anxiety. Eventually, it tends to resurface and demand attention.

You may still be able to sort through your thoughts and begin separating logical concerns from anxiety-driven ones. However, it’s also possible that you’ve already been trying to do this on your own, without much success.

For that reason, I would recommend seeing a therapist to help you navigate this process. Even a few sessions can provide clarity about your relationship and your anxiety. If you find it helpful, you may then decide to continue working more broadly on your anxiety going forward.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200