Dear Therapist:
Our son had a rough start in mesivta, but over time he really grew and did very well, baruch Hashem. He is now going to a quality beis medrash that we, and he, feel is a very good opportunity for him.
The issue is that the dress code and rules there are a little more mainstream than what he is used to. In every other way, he seems ready for the place, but he is having a hard time with this part. On the outside it looks like a small thing, but to him it seems to feel much bigger.
As parents, we are worried that this could get in the way of a good opportunity. At the same time, we do not want to turn it into a power struggle or make him feel like we are not taking him seriously.
How can we understand what may be behind this resistance? And how can we help him adjust to the idea without making it feel like we are forcing him to become someone else?
Response:
When you say that the dress code and rules at this beis medrash are a bit more mainstream than what your son is used to, I'm not sure whether you mean less restrictive or more so — but I don't think that distinction is what matters most here.
You mention that your son believes this beis medrash is a good opportunity for him; you're not describing him as ambivalent about attending. This makes me wonder whether his concern about the dress code and rules is really a manifestation of a more general discomfort — one he isn't consciously aware of.
To some extent, his resistance to this change is likely tied to his self-image, as you yourself alluded to. Teenagers and young adults (and, in truth, many adults) struggle with self-esteem, and this often creates a need to define themselves through something external.
People who don't feel securely connected to who they are intrinsically often anchor their identity in some form of belonging — to a career, a religious framework, a social group, a socioeconomic status, or any number of other categories.
In a perfect world, our sense of self would be entirely intrinsic, but that isn't realistic. We all belong to groups, and we all identify with them to varying degrees. To some extent, we all define ourselves partly through them. This becomes a real issue only when a significant portion of our identity rests on one particular group — and the same holds true for other external markers, like wealth, fame, or title.
It's possible that your son is struggling to adjust to this new environment for reasons that go beyond what he's consciously naming. He had a hard time adjusting to mesivta too, and he eventually did — quite possibly because he came to feel that he belonged there. Once that feeling took hold, he was able to feel good about himself.
If a similar process is happening now, he may be holding on, consciously, to the symbols of what made him feel like he belonged before, rather than to the deeper reasons behind that belonging. Perhaps he belonged because his friends genuinely liked who he was and enjoyed learning and spending time with him — but if he never fully internalized that emotional connection, he may instead have come to associate belonging with manner of dress and outward conduct.
It will take time for your son to feel comfortable in his new surroundings, and it's also valuable for him to learn to sit with discomfort rather than resolve it immediately. To some degree, internalizing this is a matter of maturity. You might help him by gently asking about his general sense of belonging in the new beis medrash, rather than focusing only on the dress code and rules themselves. If you can help him see that the issue runs deeper than these symbols, he may be better able to address what's actually bothering him — rather than assuming that the symbols themselves are what need to change.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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