Dear Therapist:

I have a question about parenting an older child who is not really a child anymore.

Let’s say a son or daughter is leaving the teenage years and starting to make choices that the parents are not comfortable with. For example, the way they dress may be very different from what the parents had hoped for.

As a parent, it is very hard to just watch. You feel worried, disappointed, maybe even embarrassed, and part of you wants to say something. At the same time, you know that if every conversation becomes about what they are doing wrong, you can end up pushing them further away.

How does a parent know when to say something and when to hold back? And how can parents stay close to an older child when they are having a hard time with some of the choices that child is making?

Response:

I think most parents can relate to your feelings. Very few of us can say that our expectations for our children were completely met in every way, at all times.

You ask how to know when to address a concern and when to leave it alone. The simple answer is that a concern should be addressed when it meets two criteria: it's objectively a problem, and your intervening can actually help.

But that's only the simple answer — there's more complexity underneath it. For one thing, how do we know whether we're actually being objective? We often rely on inductive reasoning, letting our emotions inform our beliefs. If I feel strongly that my child is doing something wrong, it's easy to unconsciously convince myself that the belief produced the feeling, rather than the other way around.

So how do we know whether what we're thinking or feeling is objective? Since nothing is truly absolute — and our emotions and thoughts are so intertwined — we can never be fully objective once emotions are involved. Still, understanding the source of our feelings can go a long way toward helping us make the right decisions.

The feelings you mentioned are worry, disappointment, and embarrassment. Going by their standard definitions, worry tends to stem from a specific concern, and so is often largely objective. Embarrassment, on the other hand, tends to be more about our own emotional needs. Disappointment may involve both, perhaps leaning more toward the emotional side.

But our feelings don’t necessarily follow conventional definition. Also, it's easy for one feeling to bleed into — and amplify — the others. If you feel embarrassed by how your son is dressing, you may find yourself feeling more strongly disappointed as a result. That, in turn, can convince you that this is objectively something worth worrying about — when it may not be.

If you can better separate out each emotion and understand where it's coming from, you'll be in a stronger position to make the choices that are best for your child, for you, and for the whole family.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200